Sunday, March 27, 2005

My Heart is Pounding

All because I watched TV

Grey's Anatomy is a TV show on ABC that I had been waiting for to watch ever since they started commercials advertising its premiere months ago.


Because it's a show about interns. A group of them.
And because before I came to the States, I was a doctor for 2 short years, and one of those years was as a dreaded intern. Added to that is that, I now have to start studying again to get licensed to BE a doctor in the States and that's SELF STUDY( while having all the household responsibilites vying for my time ) with all the disadvantages that come with it as well as having to go through internship again once I'm through with the exams....I would be married then and as I'm "no spring chicken", it would also be time to think about starting a family on top of that.

On the up side however, I do have some actual working experience and anything that was put into practice sticks better than just reading from text books and observing.

My life as an intern wasn't all that long ago that I could have already forgotten all the little details. Rather, it was so recent ago that occasionally, I still have nightmares about the long hours, leaving no time for any other personal life plus getting superbly jealous of people who did not work on sundays and public holidays, days and nights of being on call back to back, and coming back to my dorm room late at night, brushing my teeth, flopping on the bed and losing total consciousness till the next morning when it started all over again.

And who could ever forget being treated like, as they called it on the show, "the bottom of the food chain", being totally clueless, where on the job training meant you might actually be responsible for decisions that determined someone's well being ( or downward spiraling health ), all this under the supervision of residents and specialists who can make or break you. I wondered if I would become hardened to normal emotions from everything that I would experience - sometimes working as a young doctor forces you be detached just so you don't get emotionally overloaded.

But why do I persevere?

Because I love it. I love getting to know patients, learning from them, helping them in whatever way I can - they keep me grounded, thankful and human.

Because I can't think of any other profession that I would be other than this. Sure, there are days when I ask myself, "WHAT WAS I THINKING"? Certain days, I don't know what I was thinking.

Sometimes, I am made to feel like medicine can be cold, dehumanised and heartless, dominated by expensive machines and multinational pharmaceutical companies that peddle sickness and a quick-fix drug for every problem.

But as with anything else, there are bad days and there are good days. But it's the fulfilling days where I feel empowered but at the same time humbled, that make me go on.


KEF said...

I wish you well and that you succeed.

not4me said...

Wow - I hope you realize how lucky you are to have lived your dream - even if only for 2 years so far. You will find time to study after the wedding is over I'm sure and you will do great because you care about it so much.

You know I would love to be a doctor but since I can't even begin to think about changing professions right now here are all of my wishes and wants and supressed motivation. Hope it encourages you a little :P


Agnes said...

After reading your post, I keep on thhinking about how hard it must have been to decide to leave everything behind and come to the States. I know ... because I had to go through that myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband ... but having to leave behind a career (14 years in teaching) and a whole family is not easy. There was this moment of struggle.
I can't imagine you have to go through internship again! One of my best friends in the university studies Medicines. So I know the hardships! But if you really love the job, you'll have the strength to overcome any obstacles. So, wish you all the best.

<"3 )~ said...

*hugs* Letti! I know the feeling -- I've been doing clinicals for three semesters now, and my internship starts in Aug! AHHH!

Gray's Anatomy?! I have that textbook! My mom (the nurse in the family) gave it to me when I started graduate school!

<3 Tara <"3 )~

makuahine said...

Stupid Blogger. I swear, by the time I get here I forget what I was going to say. I guess I should start doing the Haloscan thing when I visit here.

Anyway, good luck with the doctor stuff, it's all SO over my head. :D

And happy (belated) Easter!

Dennis said...

Well hurry up and get your medical license already, Dr letti! :o)

Animesh said...

Ah! Doctors have the most un-enviable job. They work hard, save lives, recieve no thanks in return, and even though "to err is human", if something goes wrong even once in their career all hell breaks loose.

*~*HollyMarie*~* said...

Internship is one of the biggest reasons I chose not to go into medicine. But, it's a good think b/c God has called me into the ministry. I hope you don't have tons of trouble with internship.


5xmom said...

Dr Letti
I have the highest respect for doctors (if you know my background with my son) and idolise those exceptionally devoted ones. Wow, countdown drawing near. Hope you are enjoying the preparations. Cheers!

Monica said...

wow I dont know the feeling of leaving it all

best of luck in your choices!! it would be GREAT to work again, just dont dump the kiddies you have in day care.... IF YOU CAN, I know its rough out there !!! best Of luck with everything!

Hannah said...

Good Luck, Letti. It's too bad you have to go through it again, but it's for a good reason. I'm sure you will be very happy here in the states with your sweetie. :-)

ashleymclure said...

Saw that show the other night. Loved the comment after the girl's surgery. "What a high! I don't know why anyone would take drugs."

Good luck on your certification!

letti said...

Hey.. letti,
I chance upon the show.. when it was airing its last 15mins.. and the only reason why i did a double take was because Sandra Oh was in it.. she is my favourite actress .. I admire your noble profession..i really do.. i hope the doctors in Yarmouth were more available and hardworking.. like the ones we see on TV.
MrsT | Homepage | 03.28.05 - 2:38 am | #

umm.. I thought a doctor was a doctor no matter where you live or where you're from. Is there a reason why they're making you study since you're already a doctor?
Big Gay Sam | Homepage | 03.28.05 - 11:12 am | #

anyone, EVERYONE, even a brain surgeon, has to go through the licensing exams to be able to practise in the states..BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
letti | Homepage | 03.28.05 - 11:15 am | #

Hi Hun sorry not visited you all week, been so busy. Hope you are doing well Hugs
Sarah | Homepage | 03.28.05 - 1:13 pm | #

Hope you had a nice weekend!!
Christine | Homepage | 03.28.05 - 3:14 pm | #

Hiya, ur chosen career is a good one for 1 good reason. U love what u r doing. I guess at the end of the day, it's what counts. There's bound to be ups and downs and I really sympathize. I see what a friend goes thru too and it's not easy.. U have the right attitude and for whatever small comfort u have my respect...
Laura Y | Homepage | 03.28.05 - 10:29 pm | #

Hey there Letti....I was impressed with what you said regarding how practicing medicine keeps you Human. I never thought about it before, but working, in general, I think keeps peopel human if they like what they do. But you have a real challenge ahead, the marriage and exams and starting a family, etc. You have a great ability to think through problems and I have no doubt you'll be an incredible mother, wife and doctor.
Kerri Rachelle | Homepage | 03.29.05 - 1:31 am | #

Ahhh doctors....... I've always loved them! I remember back when I was 12, I stayed in hospital for a whole month and there was that doctor... boy, he was drop dead gorgeous. I think I fell in love with him too... *giggles* ... and he was just soooo nice to me, giving me sweets, giving me a feet massage because it was painful, bringing me books and games so I wouldn't get bored..... awww, shame he was 20 years older than me !
kay | Homepage | 03.29.05 - 2:23 am | #