My Heart is Pounding

All because I watched TV

Grey's Anatomy is a TV show on ABC that I had been waiting for to watch ever since they started commercials advertising its premiere months ago.

Why?

Because it's a show about interns. A group of them.
And because before I came to the States, I was a doctor for 2 short years, and one of those years was as a dreaded intern. Added to that is that, I now have to start studying again to get licensed to BE a doctor in the States and that's SELF STUDY( while having all the household responsibilites vying for my time ) with all the disadvantages that come with it as well as having to go through internship again once I'm through with the exams....I would be married then and as I'm "no spring chicken", it would also be time to think about starting a family on top of that.

On the up side however, I do have some actual working experience and anything that was put into practice sticks better than just reading from text books and observing.

My life as an intern wasn't all that long ago that I could have already forgotten all the little details. Rather, it was so recent ago that occasionally, I still have nightmares about the long hours, leaving no time for any other personal life plus getting superbly jealous of people who did not work on sundays and public holidays, days and nights of being on call back to back, and coming back to my dorm room late at night, brushing my teeth, flopping on the bed and losing total consciousness till the next morning when it started all over again.

And who could ever forget being treated like, as they called it on the show, "the bottom of the food chain", being totally clueless, where on the job training meant you might actually be responsible for decisions that determined someone's well being ( or downward spiraling health ), all this under the supervision of residents and specialists who can make or break you. I wondered if I would become hardened to normal emotions from everything that I would experience - sometimes working as a young doctor forces you be detached just so you don't get emotionally overloaded.

But why do I persevere?

Because I love it. I love getting to know patients, learning from them, helping them in whatever way I can - they keep me grounded, thankful and human.

Because I can't think of any other profession that I would be other than this. Sure, there are days when I ask myself, "WHAT WAS I THINKING"? Certain days, I don't know what I was thinking.

Sometimes, I am made to feel like medicine can be cold, dehumanised and heartless, dominated by expensive machines and multinational pharmaceutical companies that peddle sickness and a quick-fix drug for every problem.

But as with anything else, there are bad days and there are good days. But it's the fulfilling days where I feel empowered but at the same time humbled, that make me go on.